You can close your eyes…

She looks so relaxed, on the first day of her island holiday. Gently swinging in the hammock, a mug of chai tea cradled in her hands; those eyes are tired, though. She looks outward to the ocean.

It is glassy today, clear as air to look into. If she were out there wading in the shallows she would see fish, lazily cruising in the warm edges of the reef. On the horizon, a solitary white rimmed island marks the separation between water and sky. She saw a whale breach out there earlier this morning. The sum of all these things, warm air, calm seas, chai tea. It is all in stark contrast to her inner world.

She tries to let it all go, all the daily pressure of normal life. All the past. All the words unsaid and things undone. Lists unchecked.  It is hard to relax, and it should be simple. It is hard to carve out time where she can be nothing but herself. But she has, it is here; now, for the next hour or so. She sips on her chai, letting the cinnamon and spices swirl into her senses. The flavours of calm.

She’s not sure if she wants to spend time with herself after all.

Where is she, anyway? Losing herself has happened gradually. Task by task, caring for others. Loving others is a sacrificial pursuit, for women everywhere. Loving them with all she has is a habit of obligation and a daily choice. She didn’t know the cost of it when she signed up, but she knows now. Yet she would have paid anything to have this, have them. This life. And when the fabric of her wears thin and tears into the unwritten contract -of motherhood, of marriage- with hard words, she feels the failure. Sharp. So mean. She never really intends it for them. The words are really for herself. She sighs over it, swinging back and forth in that hammock. She is tired of turning herself inside out to examine it all.

So she walks through all of life in this body; this middle aged vessel of experiences, faded dreams and old philosophies, the mother-wife shell. The girl she also is; so shrouded now, by her roles and responsibilities. She has survived all the things. Her world is secure and her love is strong. Her family are happy. She thinks these thoughts like a mantra of protection. They have made together exactly the life she hoped for, the one she yearned for all those years ago, wishing into her teacups for a family of her own.

Her eyes close and she lets her head sink back against the woven hammock.

There is a woman here on the island, travelling alone. Her husband died three years ago, and since then, she has retraced the steps of all the travels they did together. She watches this woman in the restaurant, alone in her grief at her table for one. She wonders if there will be release when she has completed her solitary itinerary. She wonders if the goodbyes and the remembering are helpful. She wonders if she could be so brave. Life, on her own again. It makes her shiver in the tropical heat. No.

She thinks about her little family, out on the glassy ocean, casting handlines into the water in the hope of bringing home fish. She tries to imagine the joy and horror as they reel in slippery living creatures. It is the first time her children have been fishing. They are having much-yearned-for quality time with their daddy and she is struck by a sudden pang of… what is that? Jealousy?  He’s been so busy lately. He is a great Dad. She chose him for them and that thought makes her feel proud satisfaction. She did that. A gift for their future selves and developing psyches. It was a good choice. She’d choose him all over again, she knows it.

The girl she is, takes a big deep breath and sighs it out into the warm air. She is okay. No crises to avert this afternoon. A small smile contracts her cheeks upward, crinkling the skin by her eyes. So fortunate to be here, this day, in this way, in this place. She aligns her girl and woman selves and blows across her warm tea. Seriously, she thinks. The best way to relax is to stop thinking altogether. She reaches for her headphones and scrolls through until an old favourite fills her consciousness. Yes. You Can Close Your Eyes by James Taylor. Her empty tea cup now nestles in the sand. She drifts out of her messy mind on a tide of chilled harmonies.

She is the picture of relaxation, that woman on the hammock. Eyes closed, headphones on. The late afternoon quiet, deep upon her. Slowly, the tide creeps up the sand and the day sighs to a close. She muses softly about all of her sisters-in-arms, shouldering big burdens and costly contracts of love.

the sun is slowly sinking down
and the moon is slowly rising
so this old world might still be spinning round
and I still love you.
So close your eyes
you can close your eyes, it’s alright
I don’t know no love songs
and I can’t sing the blues, anymore
but I can sing this song
and you can sing this song
when I’m gone

Post Script
James Taylor and Joni Mitchell. It was the soundtrack for my holiday week; for me it is the song of parent to a child, or an adult to themselves. I love it so much.  Have you heard these two singing together before? Happy sigh…

Hundreds and Thousands

1521719_10153162285630815_8428987546632118258_nHello.  I’ve been having the sort of family weekend I have been dreaming of for a long time.

A normal kind of weekend.

Let’s see… a bit of shed building, a trip to the airport to pick up Ceci, supermarket shopping, baking, a few loads of washing, movie night, a short family bike ride. A bit of blogging.

Did I mention baking?!  I just banged out a double batch of our family’s favourite chocolate cake!  Then I wrapped the individual portions and popped them in the freezer for lunchbox treats! And yes!  That is worth all those exclamation marks! It feels… so good.  I’ve had this enormous well of frustration over the all the mummy tasks I haven’t been able to do; it’s been getting deeper and deeper over the years.  Sometimes I have let myself wallow in it and feel very, very miserable about it. But today I was able to drop the bucket in and start ladelling out some of the overflow, because today, I did a whole mummy task!  It feels like a real achievement, kind of a yardstick of how much better I am feeling.

And as an added bonus, I have a blogging friend who runs a regular instagram baking event.  She calls it #sundaybakingsunday.  I’ve wanted to join the sunday bakers since I first found out about it, but by the time Sundays rolled around, I was always too unwell.  So this Sunday, I baked, and I instagrammed it! I’m not much of an instagrammer, so that felt like a double win. Thanks to having the ‘roids on my side!  Rach on ‘roids is such a different creature to get used to.

She contains all of the latent wishes of the Chronic-ills Rach.  She carries all the internal lists and hopes and pressures. She is determined to use all this Steroidal benefit to good use.  She’s on a mission! But if she is honest, she’s overdoing it a bit.  Probably a lot. She’s been racing around like a crazy thing, trying to ‘catch up’. And so she crashes.  And it’s true, she recovers much faster than she ever did before.  But she’s feeling a bit stressy.  A little overwhelmed.  Probably a lot like the average Mum.

Before Kellie passed away, she and I were talking about how it was going to be when she got better. She said she was afraid she would take wellness for granted. She didn’t want forget the lessons she had learned while she was sick and go back to the busy-ness of life pre-sick.  She wanted to remember what was important. We promised each other that we would keep each other on track.  And I have been thinking about that conversation.

I seriously doubted I would ever feel like this again, you know? Able!  So I wasn’t prepared when it happened. But I am feeling more able, and it is a carnival of possibilities!  I don’t know how long these good effects will last, or if this treatment regime will eventually lose against the ‘thing’ that is attacking my autonomic nervous system. So I am conscious that this time I have on the other side; this feeling-good-ability, is so very, very precious. I don’t want to waste it. So why do I find myself heaping on the pressure? Diving into stressville? Why must I cram so much into each day?  I’m like a starving creature in the face of a feast.  I’m so afraid someone is going to take it all away.

The hubster and I had a chat about that today.  About taking it easy, slowing down.  That maybe I need to “Settle, petal”.  So I am here, on my bed, in my ‘corner office’  …taking some time out to write this little update.  I hope you are having a good weekend too.  I hope there is enough of the relaxation to balance out the tasks.  I hope there’s a little bit of mooching in there somewhere. I hope you are getting the balance right.  I hope we are all remembering what is important.

Regular life has become pretty busy since I was last here!  Slow down you lot!  And you, too, Rach on ‘roids.   🙂  You don’t actually have to do hundreds of thousands of things just because you CAN.

Do you feel overwhelmed by the pace of normal life too?
Are we all just a little bit crazy with all the things we try to get done?
Why do we do that?