Public health and sensitive person warning. This post is about POOS.
Hello. My name is Rach and I haven’t had a poo in 16 days.
That means that I really am, full of sh#t. Before you leap in with wonderful suggestions, you should know; I have been ingesting chia seeds. Hydrating. Taking my usual laxative pills. When I am a good girl, I also take soluble movicol, which isn’t nearly as bad as I tell myself it is. Somehow getting to the many-sachets-of-movicol-in-one-hit-stage feels like a failure to me. An admission that I haven’t been able to manage my recalcitrant pooper. So I ignore it for a while. And then comes the enemas. I really hate them. I feel like they are the perpetrators of evil. They promise much and deliver little. My poison pals.
When you have Dysautonomia, you may also have to make friends with the enema.
What’s worse than having enemas? Having to give them to yourself. It honestly feels like self-abuse. Like I am violating my most private parts. Oh! That’s probably BECAUSE I AM. And while I am getting into position for this special kind of friendly assistance, I am always compelled to read the box. It doesn’t help matters.
Gently insert enema tip into rectum with a slight side to side movement.
If I am already on my side, what then is side to side? Wouldn’t that then be up-and-down? And would that be the wrong motion for my poor pooper? I try to imagine that my hands belong to a nurse, the sort who just gets on with it. I make small talk with myself to distract myself from the embarrassment at hand. “how’s your day been today, Rach? A bit sh#t?”… I do the business. Why do enemas always feel cold? Should one warm it up first? That might be kinder…
WARNING: Do not use when nausea and abdominal pain are present.
Duh. That is why I am using it. 16 days being full of sh#t will make anyone nauseous and abdominally pained.
…failure to have a bowel movement after use of a laxative may indicate a serious condition.
No sh#t, Sherlock! Failure to have a bowel movement for so long that you need to use this kind of laxative may indicate a serious condition too. Who writes these box words?
EFFECTIVENESS: usually produces evacuation within 2-5 minutes.
Maybe in another dimension. I’ve been sitting here for fifteen… the box said that after administration I should:
…maintain position until urge to evacuate is strong.
At that very moment, my hubster walks into the bedroom and asks me what’s up. (!)
“Benzalconium Chloride. Apparently.” I mumble, then, “I’m writing about enemas while I wait for this one to work.”
“Do you think people will want to read about that?” he asks.
Well, no. But I didn’t think people would want to read about chronic illness, suffering, sadness, frustrations, my medical menagerie, grief, doctors, my taste in eighties music, my family, doctor-suessy-post-mortem-instructions or dysautonomia, either. It’s kind of a job lot.
(By the way, if you are reading, you deserve a medal. This is not a topic for just any reader, it’s only for the best kind of readers, like you).
My hubster cocks his head to one side and drops this, in a funny voice. Smiles and leaves the room again:
I laugh. A strange kind of sensation travels along my bones and into my left shoulder. Could I call that an urge?
I don’t know. But I am hopeful. Please Frenema. Give me the sh#ts. I don’t think I can bear any more crap poetry.
Update: Just wanted to reassure the worriers out there. Poop has been made. Here is a song for the purpose of celebrations: Don’t sit under the POO TREE!
Because. Eventually, shit happens!