Begat

I first came across the word ‘begat’ when I was a little girl.  Sitting through endless church services and looking for distraction, I would pore through my bible for words I didn’t know. In the Old Testament there are comprehensive family histories.  They list only the sons. But of course. Surely that isn’t where my feminism took root (or is it?).  They went on in variations like this:

And Canaan begat Sidon, his first begotten son, and Heth, and…

It’s not really a term we use anymore, but it is a useful word. The next time I heard the word begat (or a present tense version of it) was when I was a new Mum.  The plunket nurse was talking about baby’s routine.  She explained that “sleep begets sleep”.  The more sleep babies have, the more they want. And how the less they get the more and more wakeful, and therefore, harder to settle.  So I set about creating a better sleep routine.

And today, I added a new context to the word begat.   (Rude word warnings…)

Crap begets crap.

And so it was, that Crap begat Crap who

You know what I mean.  It never rains but it pours. Just when you think ‘surely nothing else can go wrong, I’ve had all the bad luck a person should get’ …a bird poops on your head, you jam your favourite scarf in the car door and rip a big hole in it, you stub your toe and miss a phone call from the radio station that would have won you a trip to Paris.

No amount of positivity works. Nope. Deep breathing is useless. There is nothing you can do but surrender to the crapfest and hope that somewhere down the line, the begetting will run out. And as my friend said to me this morning, it is okay to say “why me!?” sometimes.  I agree, but it is not easy when the kids are with me, to rail against the begetting of bad times. I’ve been trying to keep the self pity to my private moments.  The anger and the grumps. I’ve been trying to fake making it, so that the Universe might be tricked into laying off on the lessons for a while.  I am sick of learning lessons.

Universe? Take your zen-opportunities and go jump. Take your deeper meanings, your soul education, your wisdom bringing life experience.  I don’t want any of it. I’d rather life was easy and I could be shallow, thanks.

My mother-in-law is sick, she has advanced Parkinson’s.  My father-in-law is sick, we’re waiting to hear results from his recent tests to see if he’ll be having surgery or radiation therapy, or both. My brother just phoned to say something’s up with his liver and kidneys. And I spent this morning at a pre-admit clinic for the surgery I will have in August to remove pre-cancerous cells from my cervix.  It’s not a huge thing, but it is one thing too many.

I had to be there for 9am, so we were up and out of the house by 7.30 this morning, I had to first drop off my daughter and then my son both to the homes of two very helpful friends. And when I hopped back into my car to go to the hospital, it would not start. The lights were on, but nobody was home.  Glancing at the clock I realised that if I called for roadside assistance, I’d miss my clinic appointment.  I screamed then, in my car.  Let out a tiny bit of the anger that has been swirling around in my head. And I called a cab. After my meeting with the anaesthetist and the admissions nurse, an ECG and some bloods, I caught a cab back to my car. The bloody thing started first go.

See?  Bad times beget bad times.  I am sure my car wouldn’t start earlier, simply because I needed it to.  All this crappy minutae, on top of all the other stuff gets me down. My steroid trial is over and I feel myself sinking back into the quagmire, perhaps even more so after my immunologist yesterday made it pretty clear there was no way I would be eligible for IVIG. And all because I am seronegative, like 50% of patients with my diagnosis. I don’t even know if I can fight the fight for treatment any more. My steroid trial proved I have an AI aetiology, but now there is no treatment?! I can’t even explain how I feel about the shittiness of that. I feel like I am falling.

I know that my mind is a messy, noisy place.  I know I need help getting into a better frame of mind.

Let me know if you know how I can do that.

For now I am just putting it out there.  Crap begets Crap.

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