So Full of ..it.

Public health and sensitive person warning. This post is about POOS.

Hello.  My name is Rach and I haven’t had a poo in 16 days.

That means that I really am, full of sh#t.  Before you leap in with wonderful suggestions, you should know; I have been ingesting chia seeds. Hydrating. Taking my usual laxative pills. When I am a good girl, I also take soluble movicol, which isn’t nearly as bad as I tell myself it is. Somehow getting to the many-sachets-of-movicol-in-one-hit-stage feels like a failure to me. An admission that I haven’t been able to manage my recalcitrant pooper.  So I ignore it for a while. And then comes the enemas.  I really hate them. I feel like they are the perpetrators of evil. They promise much and deliver little. My poison pals.

When you have Dysautonomia, you may also have to make friends with the enema.

Screen Shot 2014-09-26 at 11.18.28 pm

What’s worse than having enemas? Having to give them to yourself.  It honestly feels like self-abuse. Like I am violating my most private parts.  Oh!  That’s probably BECAUSE I AM.  And while I am getting into position for this special kind of friendly assistance, I am always compelled to read the box.  It doesn’t help matters.

Gently insert enema tip into rectum with a slight side to side movement.

If I am already on my side, what then is side to side?   Wouldn’t that then be up-and-down?  And would that be the wrong motion for my poor pooper?  I try to imagine that my hands belong to a nurse, the sort who just gets on with it.  I make small talk with myself to distract myself from the embarrassment at hand. “how’s your day been today, Rach?  A bit sh#t?”…  I do the business.  Why do enemas always feel cold? Should one warm it up first?  That might be kinder…

WARNING: Do not use when nausea and abdominal pain are present.

Duh. That is why I am using it. 16 days being full of sh#t will make anyone nauseous and abdominally pained.

…failure to have a bowel movement after use of a laxative may indicate a serious condition.

No sh#t, Sherlock! Failure to have a bowel movement for so long that you need to use this kind of laxative may indicate a serious condition too. Who writes these box words?

EFFECTIVENESS:  usually produces evacuation within 2-5 minutes.

Maybe in another dimension. I’ve been sitting here for fifteen… the box said that after administration I should:

…maintain position until urge to evacuate is strong.

Nope, nada.

At that very moment, my hubster walks into the bedroom and asks me what’s up. (!)
“Benzalconium Chloride. Apparently.”  I mumble,  then, “I’m writing about enemas while I wait for this one to work.”
“Do you think people will want to read about that?” he asks.

Well, no. But I didn’t think people would want to read about chronic illness, suffering, sadness, frustrations, my medical menagerie, grief, doctors, my taste in eighties music, my family, doctor-suessy-post-mortem-instructions or dysautonomia, either. It’s kind of a job lot. 
(By the way, if you are reading, you deserve a medal.  This is not a topic for just any reader, it’s only for the best kind of readers, like you).
My hubster cocks his head to one side and drops this, in a funny voice. Smiles and leaves the room again:

Screen Shot 2014-09-26 at 11.33.38 pm

I laugh.  A strange kind of sensation travels along my bones and into my left shoulder.  Could I call that an urge?

I don’t know.  But I am hopeful.  Please Frenema.  Give me the sh#ts.  I don’t think I can bear any more crap poetry.

—————————————————
Update: Just wanted to reassure the worriers out there.  Poop has been made.  Here is a song for the purpose of celebrations:   Don’t sit under the POO TREE!
Because.  Eventually, shit happens!

20 thoughts on “So Full of ..it.”

  1. It’s a testament to your skills as a writer that I laughed and enjoyed every line of your poo post. It also reminded me of a really embarrassing situation from my life when I was 22.

    I was working in a hospital and I started getting terrible stomach cramps and pains. The doctor couldn’t figure out what was going on. My co-workers were worried about me too. I was hospitalized for tests.

    They finally discovered that the medication I was taking caused my poos to refuse to come out. I was not aware of my bodily functions much at that time so I didn’t notice that it had been weeks since……well you get the point.

    I was so embarrassed when they came up with this diagnosis! I had almost round the clock enemas. It was horrific. It took a few days worth of enemas to correct the situation. I never heard the end of it from my doctor and co-workers.

    Gosh I hope you get some results soon-my stomach is all tensed up just thinking about it!

    The Bobby D should be a rapper-such talent.

  2. Rachel, that was a brilliant post!! Your honesty was so good and the ability to see the funny side of a ‘crappy’ situation shines through. I haven’t ever had to have an enema personally but having worked in health for some 20years I have heard a few stories. I am hoping like heck that you have had success from all your efforts today. I have and continue to battle with Sarcoidosis and currently are battling through a flare up. I really enjoy reading your work and that you tell it like it is, spiced with good humor were possible. My biggest struggle is to get others to understand when you are having a really bad day how much one needs to retreat and rest and just ‘get through’ it. Often outwardly I look fine, while your body is in a lot of pain or malaise … It’s a hard one for other people to really understand and take on board, meanwhile you struggle to keep the smile of ones face and trudge on. Thanks for your post and for making me smile.

    1. It can be such a struggle on top of the struggle to have to explain, I hear you! I’m sorry that you are in the midst of a flare and I really hope you can find the retreat and peace you need to manage it. 🙁
      I’m hoping like heck for some success today, too! Smile… on. Soldier on! Thanks for your thoughts and for connecting here de la vida. How is it looking in Spain tonight?

      1. Yes it can be the most frustrating thing…essentially you look completely fine outwardly, but when its out of remission and you are having a flare your whole body goes to war. Just been through chest X-rays to see where things are at and a host of blood tests…. a challenge here in Spain & being able to find the right specialist to speak in english to. Currently arthritis very badly in my hands and like you the disease has affected the connective tissue of my bowel, so I have just been through an unpleasant time last month. You learn to roll with the punches dont you and make hay when you can on the days the sun shines for you. Its just after 10pm here in Spain. We have had rain most of today – our first lot in nearly 6 months… (its been so so nice!!) …. after temps in the late 30’s for three months…. autumn is here now with the break in the weather. We leave for San Fran for my partners work for two months on tuesday so that will be my quiet time to get my blog up and running… finally!! Hopefully its warming up in NZ!

        1. Sounds like your hubby might be a yachtie! I am so glad you are getting some cooler temperatures. Does the heat adversely affect sarcoidosis? YOu are so right about learning to roll with the punches…. some times you just want to punch back though! We are having a typical Auckland Spring. Rainy/sunny/rainy/sunny. I can see the blossom trees out my window, a beautiful old villa and Mount Eden off to the left, it’s a classic kiwi view from here. You must see so many interesting things in all your travels! Don’t envy you the double difficulty of finding the right specialist and being able to communicate with them in English though. Hopeful SanFran will bring you a better situation. HugsX

  3. Oh my, I too laughed so much reading this post (while eating my lunch even … yes, nothing much puts me off my food!). Laughed, not at you having to make ‘frenemas’, but that even in that considered undignified state that no one wants to talk about, you can see the humour in it enough to write about it in the way that you have.

    Brings to mind both of my (lower) back surgeries … normally they won’t discharge you until you’ve had a “bowel movement” (I guess to make sure no nerves for those functions were damaged during surgery). Had they stuck to that my hospital stays would’ve run to 14 and 12 days! Though thankfully they did discharge me after 3 days (but left me to my own devices once home, none the wiser for what was in store). God forbid there should ever be a next time, but believe me when I say I’d ask for laxative as soon as I come round!!

    And re your Bobby D … he was a poet, did you even know it? 😉

    1. Flashes of literary brilliance in that boy. When we were first together he tried to write me a poem about us being giraffes. He gave up when he couldn’t find a word to rhyme with ‘wadi’ (that’s like an AFrican water hole). Aw!

  4. So many crappy remarks running through my brain. I’m a twelve year old boy really… :-p

    I’m so sorry you are going through this! Have you, um, moved yet?

    Just a word of caution though if you do feel inclined to warm your enema…. I had a series of colonics to move stuck stuff that I could feel in my tummy. It was like concrete lumps I could feel if I palpated my abdomen. Anyway…. The therapist suggested a coffee enema at my last appointment. She made the coffee and set it up to proceed with after the colonic but didn’t check that the coffee had cooled. It was still boiling hot. I literally crapped steam once I escaped the table. So… Don’t warm it too much because that area is quite sensitive!

    I hope you’ve had some movement by the time you read this.

    Loves xo

  5. I actually love reading about this kind of stuff, so keep it coming. I used to be a nurse so have given plenty of enemas, but have only had two myself (before giving birth to both my babies – because heaven forbid I should poop on them). I cannot imagine how one would give it to oneself. I couldn’t do it. I’m too overweight. Wiping my own bum has its challenges!! Is that too much information. Surely not :-). Keep it coming (excuse the pun), my friend. It is good to know, warts and all, what is like for someone going through this horrible invisible disease. And thank you for sharing.

    1. One does not give one to oneself without some difficulties, Sarah! I’m glad there are some people out there who like to read this stuff… I am a chronic over-sharer! 😉

  6. Been there Rachel. Regularly not being regular. I feel your pain. I, too, am literally full of shit. Thanks for this. I thought I was the only one…….

    1. Haha! Nope, seems like the world is full of people who are full of s#it! I am sorry to hear you deal with this all the time too, Deborah, I hope that you have some strategies that help you to work it out 😉 !

  7. Oh Rach!
    That was a truly marvellous piece of writing….it made me laugh and I have been a bit mirthless lately!!!

    You are an awesome gal

    Love you

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *