This song by Paul Simon has been playing on a loop in my head today.  Sums it up nicely, it’s been a day of one step forward, two steps back.  I managed to get the dishwasher on, but the washing from three days ago is still on the sofa.  I am bone weary, still tearful.  My wee lad is home sick and I’ve been fighting my own twin challenges of nausea and fatigue.


There’s been more happening in the media about Kellie, but it hasn’t been loaded on to the website yet for online viewers, so I have been returning to the same page, hitting refresh, waiting to hear more.  Somehow it helps that people are talking about her. I want the conversations to carry on forever.  I want her name to be spoken. Not forgotten. Kellie van Meurs. Kellie van Meurs.  I want the echoes of her big vibrant personality to reverberate forever. It seems to matter more to me than it rationally should. She was important, I want to shout from my rooftop.  Kellie was here, scrawled across the skies.

While I waited and hit the refresh button, I scanned the internet for more of her. I looked through Kellie’s pinterest boards.  I don’t know why I keep going to the places she left her digital fingerprints.  Is it because she is there, in suspended animation?  Or because, for brief, betraying seconds I can pretend she is?  A conversation here, a comment there, a picture, a laugh, a song. And then something hits you in the guts.  Like this, from her ‘inspiration’ board.  A line from Cold Play’s ‘Fix You’.


Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 3.53.29 pm

And two new rivers flow down the deltas of my cheeks.



5 thoughts on “Destinations”

  1. Rachel you are so beautiful. A wave of sadness hits me as I feel yet again for Kellie, her family, her friends and you. It is a bittersweet sadness this time, as I am grateful that you remind us of how fragile life can be. That you are searching for your friend is truly touching. Although incredibly sad and very moving I find it reassuring that you can find her in those places. Sending love & blessings

    1. I guess it is one of the benefits of the digital world, I am grateful for it. I think it’s painful, but good, to let the grief travel the paths it needs to travel. Part of the process. I was so pleased to see that there is a board there for her daughter, it will be very precious for her to see the things her Mum saw that made her think of her girl. Priceless really. Thank you for your love and blessings Kathryn, you are such a warm and supportive person. X

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