This song by Paul Simon has been playing on a loop in my head today. Sums it up nicely, it’s been a day of one step forward, two steps back. I managed to get the dishwasher on, but the washing from three days ago is still on the sofa. I am bone weary, still tearful. My wee lad is home sick and I’ve been fighting my own twin challenges of nausea and fatigue.
There’s been more happening in the media about Kellie, but it hasn’t been loaded on to the website yet for online viewers, so I have been returning to the same page, hitting refresh, waiting to hear more. Somehow it helps that people are talking about her. I want the conversations to carry on forever. I want her name to be spoken. Not forgotten. Kellie van Meurs. Kellie van Meurs. I want the echoes of her big vibrant personality to reverberate forever. It seems to matter more to me than it rationally should. She was important, I want to shout from my rooftop. Kellie was here, scrawled across the skies.
While I waited and hit the refresh button, I scanned the internet for more of her. I looked through Kellie’s pinterest boards. I don’t know why I keep going to the places she left her digital fingerprints. Is it because she is there, in suspended animation? Or because, for brief, betraying seconds I can pretend she is? A conversation here, a comment there, a picture, a laugh, a song. And then something hits you in the guts. Like this, from her ‘inspiration’ board. A line from Cold Play’s ‘Fix You’.
And two new rivers flow down the deltas of my cheeks.