Chasing Clouds

The colours of the Yarra Valley in winter are muted. Misted vistas of gums and mountains …and the vines, stacked in soft green rows against the ochre earth. Layers of clouds roll across the skyscape, as if in competition with the beauty below. Look up!  Look here! They roll and twist, jostling for the most beautiful arrangement. Australian skies are big skies, the cloud banks dwarf the landscape. I was mesmerised by them.

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I went to Australia in search of respite. Thirsty for a change of scenery, a change of mindset, just a change from the daily drudge. I came here hoping for a new perspective. Hoping, if I am brutally honest, that I would want to return home again at the end of my holiday.

On Friday, with my eyes downcast, I watched the toes of my converse lace-ups scuffing along the back streets of a country town. It was early. I’m an urban girl, so to me it seemed utterly reasonable to go in search of an espresso at 7am. I moseyed off along the sleepy streets, following the blue mountain ahead of me.  Tiny white curlicues of mist tickled at its edges. The night blanket of clouds was rolling back, ushered away and up by the sun. I felt transfixed by that small space of heaven, where the gold met the brooding gray. My breath misted in front of me and I felt that familiar heavy consciousness; I recognised that I had brought all of my urban angst here with me. Trailed it behind me as I jet-streamed over the Tasman.

I tried to slow my breathing, to slow my thoughts. I tried to name my anxieties and let them evaporate into the gilt of the new day.

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The rhythm of my feet brought me past historic cottages, iron fretwork fencing, elaborate brickwork, local artisan studios, darkened cafes and gift shops. The air was crisp with the aroma of fallen leaves, the mountain reassuringly squat above the little town. Golden leaves gathered into drifts at the edges of the main street, swirling in little eddies down the alleyways. It was an old town, sure of itself and its place in the midst of this popular valley. So many gifts of nature and such abundance of produce. The tourists flock here year round, drawn by the wineries, galleries and a slower, more genteel way of life.

An elderly gentleman waved me in through his cafe window. He was a friendly relic from the hippie era, long hair and a handwoven hat. His old eyes seemed to know too much about me, but I stepped into the warmth regardless. He asked if I was looking for a hot drink. Gratefully, I accepted his offer of a cup of organic brew. We talked about his pretty spot there, overlooking the avenue of oak. He rustled up my coffee and began chatting with his next early riser. I fell into silence with my only my thoughts for company; contemplative. The benign presence of kind strangers was a comfort. I blew the steam from the top of my cup and asked myself the question that had driven me here, the haunting of my peace. The crossroads of my heart.

What choice do I need to make?

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There is a song I have loved for a long time. A woman’s song. The lines of the impossibly beautiful melody danced through my mind. ‘Both Sides’ by Joni Mitchell. It’s about the juxtaposition of perspective. It’s innocence vs. experience.  It’s how I feel about life right now. About wellness and illness, about mothering, being a wife, being in my forties, about my career. There is a bitter/sweetness to the understanding that life is all of the things; the beautiful and the frustrating, the happy and the unspeakably sad.

I spent a lot of time on that week away, looking at clouds. Chasing the kind of girlish freedom I’d had, once upon a time, when I was unfettered by responsiblities. It took most of the week for me to come to the realisation, once more, that all of my life has been borne of choice. I’ve chosen my reactions when I didn’t have control of circumstance, and I have chosen my life’s direction. The biggest choices are already made. I wasn’t choosing ‘for now’ I was choosing ‘forever’. Now, I can choose how I live with those choices. With an open heart, seeking the gilt edges of dark clouds, or with my eyes shut tight against the beauty that might be there.  Love is hard. Life is hard.

As I blew the steam off the top of my cup, staring out through the glass panes of that little coffee shop, I chose to let the light in anyway.

I wish you the kind of clouds that remind you of angel hair. And also the kind that take your breath away with their severity and stormy brooding. I wish us all, the strength to look up, and forge ahead, honouring the choices of our hearts.

Are you like me? A tired mum, frazzled wife, maybe a bit lonely, hopeful, thoughtful …are you yearning for more ice-cream castles in the air? Here’s to you, and me, and the knowledge that what will be, will be.

 

10 thoughts on “Chasing Clouds”

  1. More soul searching from a great writer. Many have been there ( are still there) but haven’t the words.
    Soon

    Love S

  2. I wish us all, the strength to look up, and forge ahead, honouring the choices of our hearts.

    Sigh!

    Love you Rachel

  3. from the heart thankyou Rachel!
    so hard being a wife and mother and trying to know the self as well!
    sometimes one can’t see the forest for the trees and needs to remove oneself from the immediate and everyday pressures of other’s needs!
    the only person we are with 24/7 all the days of our lives, is our own self! … similar quote!
    nurture the self! love m:)X

  4. Lovely post. You really were present in that little country space, weren’t you? I like your concept of living with those choices that you have made, ‘seeing the gilt edges of the dark clouds.’ Totally can relate. Once I left the country when my kids were younger. For years afterwards, if I was struggling I’d remind myself ‘I had coffee in Rome, I had coffee in Rome…’ Treat yourself kindly x

  5. So beautifully written and deeply felt. I can feel your confusion and longing and also your acceptance. I’ve felt the same things, and come to the same conclusion. Thanks for putting feelings into words.

  6. Thanks so much for sharing! I think I’m at a similar stage to you too, down to the two kids as well. I love the illustrations of the clouds – so majestic – and how you’ve woven them into your writing. A lot to think about …

  7. My mom used to sing me this song – so beautiful. It brought a tear to my eye as I also remembered the other song she used to sing c’est sera sera (what will be will be).

    Rach, your writing is to poignant, so beautiful and gets to the heart of what so many of us in our stage of life feel. Yes, like you, I am tired and do long for some taste of those carefree moments of days of old. But, like you, I remember that choices are what lead us to where we are. That, and the natural progression of age, and experience.

    Much love to you my friend. xx

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