Breaking News.

There are many ways to cope with Chronic Illness.  One of my favourites is to find the funny amongst the daily grind.  Just recently, I’ve talked on here about the importance of being careful about pseudo-science.  There are so many dodgy people out there trying to take advantage of the ‘Dysautonomia Dollar’ (the illness dollar it should really be called because it is not just a problem for our community), promising cures. Suggesting they can cure things without adequate studies or proof.

Recently, some of my friends with Dysautonomia were chatting together about pseudo-sciencey articles.  They’re quite a scientific bunch these girls, most worked in various disciplines of Medicine before their diagnosis, some are still studying towards their qualifications.  Then the brilliantly funny Belinda Taylor wrote this spoof article.  I loved it so much I begged her to let me post it here for you.

It’s breaking news!  Geddit?!  Over to you Belinda for this astonishing ‘research’ finding:

NEW RESEARCH CLAIMS DELICIOUS

“There are a growing number of patients worldwide with various chronic illnesses that can leave them unable to participate in work, social and family lives. Scientists in Lindtville, Switzerland, working in conjunction with chocolatiers, have recently discovered a tasty breakthrough that may allow patients with a chronic illness called Dysautonomia to re-enter the workforce and society.

By altering the methyl groups on Theobromide, a compound found in chocolate, scientists have been able to get it to have the opposite effect on the human body, which will prove beneficial to those with Dysautonomia. In its natural form, Theobromide acts as a vasodilator and a diuretic, however by altering which nitrogen atom the methyl group is attached to, they have been able to make a molecule, which they have called TTITBITO (Theobromide That Isn’t Theobromide But Is The Opposite), that acts as a vasoconstrictor and anti-diuretic.

As an added bonus, making chocolate with TTITBITO makes it even more delicious than it currently is. Dr. Fietzelwiener, the lead chemist on the project, described the taste as “even better than a crème brûlée that had been dipped in ambrosia and topped with bacon.” Because of the discovery, food scientists have needed to amend the current range of recognisable tastes of sweetness, sourness, bitterness, saltiness and umami (pleasant taste) to include uberumami. Currently TTITBITO chocolate is the only food in the uberumami category.

Early studies with Dysautonomia patients using TTITBITO chocolate have proved promising. In a study of 131 people with dysautonomia, 98% of the dysautonomia patients reported complete resolution of their symptoms. The study was conducted in a blinded manner with the patient cohort being split into two. One group was given TTITBITO chocolate for a fortnight and the other group was given ordinary chocolate. The groups then swapped for another two weeks. In order for the patients to not be able to taste the difference between the two different types of chocolate, they were made to eat chilli powder prior to ingesting the chocolate. The 2% of dysautonomia patients who were not cured was deemed due to the subjects forgetting to take the chili powder prior to tasting the TTITBITO chocolate and eating their entire two week allocation in one sitting. Sadly, they died as a result.

The study participants have been allowed to continue to use TTITBITO chocolate to keep their Dysautonomia at bay. In interviews that were conducted with the participants after the completion of the study, they were singing the praises of this new breakthrough. Mrs. Hornswaggle, 42, from Hicksville said, “My taste buds are singing and my feet are dancing!” In another surprising development, post study interviews have also found that the positive effects of TTITBITO chocolate are increased for patients by eating while laying reclined on their couch and watching a movie of their favourite genre. One participant who watched the movie Chocolat while undertaking her TTITBITO treatment, says her libido increased by 362%. Unfortunately, later that week her husband was admitted to hospital for bilateral hip replacements.

Regulation of this new and exciting medication will need to be tightly controlled as there are fears that a TTITBITO black market could develop with people desperate to get their hands on this delicious treat. It is likely that patients will need to go to TTITBITO clinics and be dispensed a weekly dose to lessen the occurence of overdoses. It is also feared that children may be easily hooked on TTITBITO by unscrupulous parents using it to cook children’s chocolate birthday cakes”

Belinda Taylor: PseudoScience Correspondent for the Chronic-ills of Rach.

2 thoughts on “Breaking News.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *